Thirty - Seven

Thursday, September 29, 2022



Soo.. this is thirty-seven. Sort of weird because in a sense I feel like it and don't feel like it. It's funny because I almost forgot that I'm turning this age lol. Perhaps the presence of such a number is manifesting itself slowly. I think 2022 has solidified my old man status that I'm begging myself not to submit to. I'd like to think I'll be young forever, but I'm definitely getting slower. I just know it. I have to be strategic about everything I do. I have to use my time wisely. My comprehension levels can deplane a bit. What the fuck is even happening?

But things have been changing mentally and physically. I'm not saying that I have all these crazy ailments, but I do know that I have limits. I think it's okay though. I think that being this way tells me that I need to keep steady pace rather than trying to go full throttle on everything. I used to think it was okay to just burn out and then try to start over. Everything has a limit and I've just about had it with trying to go full throttle on certain things that I don't care about. Even with projects I have to ensure that I'm giving some of the process to breathe. It's a great way to establish boundaries.

I thought I had all this sentimental shit I wanted to write, but I guess I don't. Things are good. I can't stress enough how good they are. I have the priviledge of doing what I want. Not many have that. And I know earlier I had written a pretty depressing post about my faigue, but I think now I'm going to be alright. Just needed some of that validation that's all.




Thank you all who continue to view this site. I might be going off the socials for a while to adjust some meanings of what I do as an artist here. And maybe talking about my work in a location that doesn't require the use of ads might be a better suit for me.

-(_ab)

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Fatigue

Tuesday, September 27, 2022

Or better yet aka "the act of 'I feel like crying and I don't know why'" phase that I seem to be diving in every September. Of course, me being an emotional person it make sense to feel these things with the conditions of weather changing. That nostalgic melancholy that I'm prone to enter as it cuffs me to the ankle, wrist and knees. I hate it. Hate it hate it hate it. And I let it get to me every damn time. And it something that somehow spawned as an adolescent when I used to walk to school in foggy weather at a young age when no one was around during colder months. Tapped into feelings I never had at such a young age I look back and deem it being a bit silly lol. Of course, not many people at a young age have these types of feelings (or rather was comfortable at displaying such a thing). That "don't be a bitch and be a man" syndrome are of what we were supposed to be modeled for future generations. I'm just glad I'm a different breed of soft.

So... nostalgia.. we meet again huh? What a way to come back in the most appropriate and inappriate time for me hahaha. Having to reflect on what I've done all these months before the year ends. Having to reflect on the fact that I'm still trying to make amends with my issues mentally. Reflect that I'm lucky I can spend $45 on a "meh" meal. There hasn't been a day where I can relax some of these thoughts ever so creepin' in me brains. But it keeps me somewhat human I guess. And to be honest there's moments like now where I am typing this that the invitation may be a bit abrupt, but it almost gives me the "well regardless I'm glad you're here even though you didn't text me.."

This week has been challenging for me mentally. Physically has been surprisingly neutral, but my mind hasn't been focused as sharply as I would've liked it to be. My job has been a constant shit show of unnecessary events and I happen to be slowly just letting my vibe stay at the lobby before I can pack it up and drive home. Even coworkers have seen the transition of my aura start to fade and its bothering me. But what do you expect right? Businesses in such positions expects you to be flexible for someone else's gains. Not to say that the idea of customer support in an emergency sense should be swayed, but you may want to think about the workers that help deploy these initiatives every once-in-a-while.

*relief sigh* It felt good to write that actually. I hate to complain, but I wish I've gotten more respect towards what I do as a worker ya know? Not just pat me in the back and tell me "good job. Go work on this" sort of bullshit. Though those realities exist in many businesses I don't think I've gotten so much lame thank you's than this job. Quite the thing right? And to think the other day was my 9th anniversary working my position. "You should just quit" is a valid answer for my ever growing somber walks of parking next to a building I loathe, but you can't just simply quit when you have someone else who depends on you or certain things. It's also irresponsible to just drop everything and find another job.

My time will come I suppose. Making those money moves.... money moves....m o n e y m o v e s. . . . I could at least sound more enthusiastic about these matters, but as of right now I'm heading to that nihilistic brains. Everything sort of sucks on the job department right now. With everything else? It's been pretty good.

Recording music
Taking Pictures
Editing a bit
Clientele
Journaling


What's interesting is the fact that I've been proactive about a lot of this stuff as of late. More so than I think I ever had. That groove is certainly something that I've been riding for the good of the year. If I could keep this up then maybe I can get more things released for everyone to check out.

Alright I'm done here.... I'll be back shortly. This blogging thing is still making me feel stoked and I'm happy I'm giving more attention to it.

- (_ab)

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Lately and Fall Comes Around

Tuesday, September 6, 2022


Dinner with Jen


To be honest there hasn't been much going on other than me trying to sort out thoughts of things that may or may not matter. I'm constantly trying to get creative work done and prepping it for the next year. And next year I'm trying to complete and prep work for the year after and so on. It's been a constant for me given the majority of what I've done as an artist was just grind, create, complete and restart. I'm not necessarily making any crazy moves or anything, but I'm just happy to know that I'm able to actually get stuff done in a timely matter.

So, the 15 minutes thing to make pictures or write drums on my laptop either in the morning or during lunch time has been working quite a bit. 15 - 30 minutes is mostly what I need. It's such a slow pace, but I have no deadlines so what's the rush? And the weekends are usually the days I get to deploy the creative and figure out if all that time I spent during those days was worth writing/photographing this stupid thing lol.

Of course being cynical and obnoxious about these points at least I'm giving some sort of effort to see my 50/50 chances of failure or success. And I think I just don't give a shit anymore. Like... I've been very much "free" about how I compose and how I release work these days. And to be writing and photographing constantly (with scanning and maybe a bit of editing in the process) it's been fun again just to see things develop before your eyes. I take it serious, but I don't take it serious... does that make any sense?

You know.... I think artists and people in general (at least in this age of social media) take themselves too seriously. Asking for follows, hoping to see how many likes they receive on posts and judgeing profiles as status... I mean my gawd man has things gotten this shallow or have I just grown old to not care? Better yet am I just out of touch? I think about this stuff a lot and the ever changing landscape of things. I just don't get it. And more so I've also been thinking about leaving social media personal profiles and just do the artist thing and post stuff when I'm promoting or whatever. Even then it's getting kinda outta control.

I've begun to take interest of blogging more again. Posting images here and just giving myself more time to write and think about how I make work to feel like there's some sort of depth behind what I've been creating. And to think that I'd almost left this place behind.... It's becoming more attractive everyday to me. I don't know why.

Maybe it's because I have something to say again. Over the last few years (especially pandemic) things really started to change perspective wise. The things I thought mattered didn't really matter anymore and the issues that I had not faced internally had come full frontal with no apologies of its presence and with no notification of when it will come over to beat the shit out of me.

So this is it... the Summer is winding down, kids are going back to school, traffic is building up & sweaters are being worn. I'm anticipating a bit more movement in production so you should expect more work to be deployed. I hope I can keep my promise as a blogger to post more and talk about things that have been happening with me. I don't think I can do social media heavy anymore. It's just too much for me.




...Have good one everyone...

+ab+

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The Summer Has Been Interesting

Monday, August 8, 2022

Dominique Gallup Portrait on her Grad Party in Hartford



As of late I've been getting hired to take images for other people. Not too often do I get these requests. In fact I don't really get them at all. This year has been the busiest I've been as a photographer. It's been quite strange and I'm glad I've been selected to take part in these events over the last few months.







On the other hand I've been trying to shoot as much as I can. At least 15 minutes of just looking around and finding what works. I've even made imaginary scenarios in my head dedicating how I could proceed specific shoots if it ever ocurred. Of course, the majority of the shoots I've done hasn't really reached a level of ridiculousness as of yet, but I anticipate any bullshit reason to come through. I've realized after all of what I've done that practicing does help whether you have something ahead or not. The idea of flexing that muscle (regardless of the results you receive) really sharpens things. I'm not saying to shoot a bunch, but just enough to get you engaged with whatever subject you're dealing with.




I also realized I need to get out more and actually try my best to discover things. Even if its for 15 minutes. Awhile ago I was able to see the BRAVE GIRLS. They performed in NY at the Central Park Summer Stage and they absolutely killed it along with Alexa (Golden Child was there, but they were soooo not into it). It took the Brave Girls for us to make the committment to go to NY with the amount of anxiety my girlfriend and I have regarding Asian assaults that have been happening in the area. We were nervous, but in the end it felt alright. I'm a bit more motivated to go back and revisit some haunts that we frequent before Covid came around.




And there you have it. My Summer is winding down, but I'm fortunate to feel whole on what's I've experienced. Maybe in the next few months I'll get around to posting more work, but for the time being here's all there is.

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Second Chances Don't Really Exist Anymore Do They?

Thursday, March 31, 2022

I've been having these thoughts about the cancel culture these days and its inability to grant people a license for redemption. Regardless of the work they put in the mistake/s they made will never stray away from their persona. It's a weird area of conversation, but some mistakes can't be forgiven on the nature of its purpose.

I was listening to a Bobby Lee podcast episode which highlighted the effects of cancel culture on comedians and what it's done to their careers. The amount of damage its done is baffling nearly (or completely) crippling their whole existence to almost infinity. And to be honest the judgement call for some of these folks can be a bit harsh. Even normal people, like myself, could suucumb to that dimension depending on the rating of the fuck up. In any case forgiveness isn't really granted. And there's certainly a ratio that differs from each class.

Even then the agenda to villainize someone just because of betrayal or clout isn't talked about. I find it interesting to see a person devote a collected amount of time and energy just to ruin a reputation or career. However, some of these paramenters that determine a persons shitty character could be validated. If that assessment needs to be known to protect others I could certainly be in for that. For the most part... second chances don't exist anymore.

I'm lucky to have the chances I was given. Humbled me real quick. And you know I try to give certain people the benefit of the doubt if they came at me all crooked. But there are some people that are just too dumb and undeserving for a chance. Usually entitled or people that just don't get it. By then I've already put my hand in my pocket and I just look at them.

There are numerous amounts of times I've crossed people with some of the most fucked up shit. And I'm pretty sure those people will always look at me that way. Now? Well... I try to think first before I speak lol. I do slip, but not too far where I can't make a comback.

Respect is something I try to give first. I don't expect receipts from other people, but it's a good way to gauge a person if it isn't reciprocated. And the amount of people I've met with this approach has, for the most part, granted me great results. We don't get a lot of that around here.

What do you think? Do we still have redemption in this world? Or is it you fuck up and then you're done?


- (Arthur_)

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It's a Good Time to Do it Alone

Sunday, March 20, 2022

I've been thinking a lot about the independency of what I do and how much of the process takes to create, polish and deploy to people that are interested. "It's a Good Time to do it Alone" is such a stiff statement to me, but a reality in how I approach my visions and such. I'm not called for collabs, not asked to be taught how to do X, Y & Z and not noted to be this role model people aspire to be. I'm simply someone who just lives in this world and tries to understand it by what I know.

The spaces that I grew up in has changed so much in the last 10 years and has gifted me much to think about: The way we dress, the way a camera looks around a persons neck vs the shoulder, why I need to use certain chords to match with this effects pedal... a sleuth of things that become unnecessary when all I needed to know was how I can take a picture and whats the best way to make my guitar sound like water.

The more and more people display their lives the less I get interested in knowing why these things exist on my phone. I've become more annoyed about it more than anything, but I have to have it just in case? It's electronic cancer. It's a cancer that just consumes me for no reason. And I keep going back to it everyday. I fucking hate it man.




This project just got released today. It's a project that I've been toying with for the last few months figuring out how I could deploy it, what would be the concept and how I would arrange it. I realized it was another stem of how I go about my work since I started this project. It's a diary. Not a polished one, but a diary entry that I wrote down kinda on a whim. I added some tape loop sounds, pieced it together and mastered it all by myself. And that's kinda it. Nothing more, nothing less.

It takes time to figure out all this shit unfortunately. I've only had studies in photography and even then I'd always wanted to find my voice in the medium rather be of what everyone expected to be. Finding a point in your creative space is certainly slow and most of the time people lose it or end up following what everyone else is doing. It's a big mess and I see it all the time with the young and older folks that are trying to get some clout or gains from it.

But what do I know right? I'm just some person who just doesn't really care honestly. If anyone likes what I do then it'll come around. Maybe it'll make sense to someone later on? Who knows.

I've been having a good time writing again and maybe I'll be posting more in the next couple of weeks. I just need to make time to be creative. Even at least 15 minutes.

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My Current Project

Tuesday, March 8, 2022




Over the last few years I've dedicated my time honing my craft onto the LST LVS project. A lofi photo/music diary sharing a bit of who I am through pictures and songs. And with the ability to combine both works together it's giving me purpose to look and listen to these pictures and songs differently.

I've noticed that I've been having fun making this work for the first time in years. All I do now is look forward to the next song or idea or picture or concept or whatever the fuck it is that involves me participating on this project. I've never thought i'd make a project that could involve both mediums together and it make sense. The images and songs somehow work together.

I know people don't really care about this project, but maybe one day the idea and approach will inspire someone to make work that may even be better than mine. Making art is exciting these days and I hope that it will help me keep alive as the years go by.

With that being said please check out the demo song if you haven't already!

- Arthur

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It's Awesome To Know I'm a Nobody

Monday, February 28, 2022

... and I mean that in a genuine sense that what I do artistically isn't noted by many people. There's a comfort of being normal and not having pressure to say and do things known artists have to adhere to often. It's taxing reading comments and scrolling over video thumbnails of think pieces of artists good or bad work. The analytical deep dives are so heavy that the artist isn't even a human anymore and just a piece of art.

Lately I've been thnking about artists lifestyles and what it takes for them to just make it into the world. What it takes to live off the work they create and live with what little they have. It's a bit mindboggling how unstable and unsupported this whole concept is. I commend the efforts of these people giving their all to make statements and create what they believe in, however, where does the line draw for the amount of consistent suffering and when is "enough" enough?

My daily gets engulfed by my job, but I at least take 15 minutes to either write drum tracks on my shitty computer, take pictures outside or write down ideas for future projects. I assemble most of what I've gathered during the weekends and follow a formula that enables me to organize an approach in songwriting or photo processing. This has been a constant thing for me for the last few years. And just this year I started realizing the workflow of the process. This is the best I can do and probably the best I'll ever be able to do. I'm not really looking for fame, but an opportunity to share to people what I see and feel. And much like this blog the body of work really identifies as a diary of some sort.

There was an interview with Julian Baker that I saw a month or so ago that had her brief on the idea of having some sort of teaching career with music being a side note. And for some reason it really struck something in me knowing an artist in her caliber has casual thoughts about making this art life a passion rather than a career. And I sometimes wonder the kind of relationship these people have with art as it get bigger and bigger. What does it succumb to and is it just commerce as the years go by? It's certainly an interesting thought. Makes me wonder if the path that I took was the right direction. Why would anyone want to resent the work they put so many hours into?

I'm having fun. I can almost say for sure I'm having fun making music and taking pictures. And I know that my work won't be for everyone to see or hear, but the fact that I get to do this without any consent or restrictions is freeing. Imagine having to worry about seeing if a product you create will either make or break you? I guess that's where professionals come in knowing what sells and what dies. I don't think I want that kind of pressure embedded in me, but I guess to some it's a way to breathe new things that they see succeed or fail. And you know me.. I'm the king of failures lol.

I'm a nobody. I'm not sure if I want to be a somebody, but I do want my work to have some sort of meaning to anyone who see my pictures and listens to my music. But I do it for me. And I do it because I love it as much as I can.


- Arthur

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I Figured I Should Write Right Now

Wednesday, January 26, 2022

So, it's a new year and usually I'd make a post about what kinds of goals I made and to see if the results faired well. And reading the first post I did last year (which was March) the only thing I really aimed for was releasing a record. That was the goal and really nothing else. I think my ambitions were quite low given pandemic questions and what the future was going to look like that year. I can't say that I had thrived, but I can definitely say my drive to be creative was certainly flowing. And it still is.

I released a record, released a single, started scanning images, started conceptualizing new releases for 2022 and have been recording quite a bit for the last few weeks. I finally found a project I could go forth on to combine both musical and photographic projects. LST LVS is the project that I hope I can create for the next 10 or so years.

I've also made promise to start looking for a new job. I've been with my company nearly 9 years and have been burnt out on my position as a lead for awhile now. With the landscape of job offerings and the pandemic pushing folks to leave their positions companies are starting to realize that they can't do this alone and can't do sus shit to their employees anymore.

As far as my mental health is concerned? I'm very happy. Happy at the fact that I called out of my job just to make this post and look for better positions and feel a bit more at ease that working so many hours in the days without any kind of appreciation (or at least the kind where they say they're thankful, but do it to brush you off somewhat). Things are working on for the most part, but I just have to focus as much as I can.

I hope things get better for everyone. I think it's time I'm going to get mines.

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