A Letter to My Friends I Haven't Spoken to for Nearly 10 Years Until August 21st, 2021

Tuesday, August 24, 2021

It was weird seeing all these folks for the first time in nearly 10 years. I haven't kept up with many of them (and even that much with Colby) and have been doing my own thing for a long time. Arriving at the event was a bit anxiety inducing. What was I gonna say? How do I look? Did I have any past beefs?

no. not at all

In fact every single one of them came to me with open arms. I was surprised what changed and what stayed the same. The friendship I made with them years ago sort of picked up where it left off. It was a bit overwhelming. Overwhelming because I don't really have any friends here in Connecticut. And to come back and see everyone that has helped me become the way I am today was realized the moment I stepped through that door with my girlfriend. It's been a long time. A long time not knowing what the fuck is going on.

This is the first time I've felt relieved about something I wasn't sure I was relieved about. Maybe the fact that everyone is doing alright. But at this point I just hope I can make more memories with these folks and keep in touch.

Dear Colby,
I'm sorry I haven't been there all these years. Maybe ongoing I'll call you / text you just see how things are even for just a bit. Thank you for inviting me to your wedding, home and life again. Thank you for having my girlfriend feel comfortable being part of the whole thing. I just wish I made more time for you back then. Never too late right?

Love you Colby,


Archive Scanning Project

Wednesday, June 9, 2021

Though that I've been silent for the most part I've encountered a huge project that will set me back awhile. Recently I bought a dedicated 35mm scanner (Plustek 8100) and have vigorously been scanning film almost everyday. It took two weeks to scan one folder so you can tell how slow the project is going to be. The great part of this process is being able to see some of the images I've not seen before. It's a breath of fresh air seeing how many bad images I've taken (lol) and how stylistically my work has changed. I've really slowed down a bit and my subject matter has gotten a lot more tamed. Of course living in the city helps you get more static images, but when you live in a slower space it has you looking for photographs. It's a bit weird, but I've been enjoying this quite a bit.

It's been amazing seeing these images because my new relationship has appeared numerous times, but I also stumbled upon my past life seeing how much change has transitioned from past to present. It's apparent that my depression was certainly a showcase for some of these images. My ex started to appear less and less on film and with the amount of change happening at that time I didn't see her as a beautiful person anymore. I was seeing her as a drive to my depression and a reminder that I've come a long way from self loathing.

Though I'm seeing transitions of my life appearing one by one it's also showcasing approaches of framing and how different it's become. The influences I had back then have somehow stayed with me. Images of emptiness have been a theme and as I scan more of more some of those images become apparent and accepted during the process. It became clear that the majority of the time I've been going through a lot mentally. Seeking out solitude in places that I didn't belong has been and interesting evalutation.

I don't know if I was a little apprehensive taking on such a daunting project, but I guess it's a good time to start looking at these pictures again reminding myself why I still do it. Being able to live back on these images really meant something to me. It meant that I was able to go through things and not give up. Even if it meant letting go something you were so used to. I could've stopped doing all this shit and just let myself rot, but there's something that keeps me doing it. I don't know if its pleasure or its the fact that this is the only thing I'm good at. Whatever the fuck it is I guess I'll just keep doing it until I decide to stop.


And Now It's Almost the Middle of the Year

Friday, April 30, 2021

Things have been moving at a steady pace as of late. Next week I'll be getting my second vaccination and am kinda stoked to go out and see how much has changed. My mental health (surprisingly) has been balanced and I've been doing my best to keep myself busy with my home life and my art. I'm writing new music, I'm consistenly taking more pictures and I've been enjoying how things are going. I've not yet become that introvert that I've started to recognize, but it's getting there as I start to keep to myself more often. Lol, but here I am writing about my feelings like always. It's doesn't make sense sometimes.

Just recently I was interviewed by a friend, Roarie Yum, who was kind enough to let me use her platform to speak about my recent project. It was a blessing to speak with someone who I've admired for years starting from Tumblr. That interview made me realize how unique my situation was as an artist and how I've not expressed my work in such an matter like most people do. I've kept a lot of work in the box for years and little by little I've started to think about what I want to show, but I think I'll just keep it inside before I let it breathe somewhere else. The interview was a success (in my book) as I was able to speak about my beginnings and some of the hardships I had on other projects. And to be honest this project was the first project I've ever created that I was proud of (smaller victories on the previous projects, but they didn't hit as hard as this one).

I'm also getting a new computer in the mail (hahahaha). Just recently my girlfriend built her computer from the ground up and it motivated me to get one myself. I mean I have the money to get some of this stuff and I haven't really treated myself to a lot of things in awhile. This was also in my mind knowing the fact that I'm actually financially stable. It's weird to know that I have a savings and I'm not scrounging for pennies just to make sure I get to eat at 3pm. I keep reflecting on those days. I keep reflecting those days because I couldn't do what I wanted to do as an artist because my situation wasn't in the right spot. I can enjoy what I love to do. I can finally enjoy it. I can also support other artists by buying some of their cartel. I owe them a great one for being inspirations. It's my turn to help them be able to turn the page without being stuck on the last paragraph.

Since I've been able to upgrade some of my equipment I'm currently looking for some gear for recording. I've been working the idea of getting an 4 track cassette recorder to write some music for some 7" releases. It's a process that I want to look into just so that my writing methods don't go stale. It's also a fun way to record and be precise on future projects I want to endure. Think of the approach as if you were playing live. Think of it as if you were recording with a band in the same room. This was the idea I'm hoping to go fourth on just to see if the approach of it works. I also wanted to have something that will help me do some experimentation on some boomier drums. It's these idea that have been swimming on my mind that I want to head fourth on. Let's just see where it will take me

The days are starting to lighten up and the sun is starting to hang out for awhile. Some rains here and there, but it's getting to the point that the summer energy is emerging. During my lunch breaks I'll take a walk around the neighborhood and take some flicks of mundane things. I'll either bring my film or digi just to get some exercise and pracitce. I don't take a lot of photos these days, but it's just nice to know that these things are available to me just so that I can feel for at least 15 minutes.

I'm happy. I'm happy because I'm in a good spot. I intend to make sure that I keep it that way. I also intend to help my loved ones if they need anything. That's all I can do right now.