Sunday, September 20, 2020

It's been such a long time since I've written anything these last few months. Things have been changing quite quickly and frequently, but are changes that may have helped me realize how much progress has been made mentally. I've not had any aspirations to write due to the fact that writing was a way to release a lot of my resentment towards my previous life. I started reading some of the older posts during those times and had no idea how bad my mental condition was. Most of the time I was broke and unable to do much. I had to be around a person who's needs always needed to be met. Of course, I couldn't tend to those needs because most of the time I seemed to not do enough.

I reflect a lot about what had happened to me compared to what I've been doing in this current relationship. A huge shift to what I had to what I have now. It's like I had entered a different universe. I actually have a savings, I'm able to be creative, I'm okay to let my sadness get to me, and I'm eating more vegetables because my lover is Chinese. But when I do reflect on my past life I realize that I didn't have much of an identity. My goal was to support someone else's success and leave behind my dreams. They ended up dying in a box

But now... so many things are different. I'm not forced to do certain things out of my will and am allowed to hang out with certain people without any kind of strange restrictions. Though I don't really have anyone to hang out with here in Connecticut I usually just stay home and try to be busy creating things for future projects. I'm not sure how far I'll get with what I've been doing as of late, but it'll take some time to figure out I'll tell you that much.

I have a new cat, I live in a house, I'm always full, I still need to work out, I need to find another job, I still take loads of pictures, I'm playing a lot of bass, and I just don't really give a shit about most things anymore. I've learned that I've become a bit more introverted over the years and have kept certain people out of life just to make sure that I'm not plagued with nonsense. I don't really talk to a lot of people anymore and I'm not that open. I love my life right now, but I still have those depressive episodes of not feeling good enough. It's a thing that I think I need to remind myself that I'm sober and I have a lot of things I need to work on mentally. Lots of people don't realize how important this is to me... yeah.. depression. It's what I've dealt with my whole life. But i see it as something more that's just apart of me. I see it more as awareness that not everything is alright.

I still have a lot of work to do. But until then I think I'll be doing my best to feel okay for at least 15 minutes a day. It's progress, but a long one that I don't really want to deal with. Oh well.. look at my cat.



Monday, May 4, 2020


I’m one of the rare ones who’s able to go to work and make money. I’m one of the rare ones who’s an essential employee working on location. I’m one of the rare ones who can continue going out and getting groceries. A privilege of mine that most can’t use. I can come home with no problems.

However, It’s not to say I’m scared about what I’m dealing with. Having a slightly normal schedule still gives me a 50/50 chance of being infected with COVID and 50/50 chance of surviving or dying from it. There’s a lot of stress involved in this whole thing and I’m doing my best not to have it get the best of me. Of course, I read and watch some things in social media and I start to shrink a little bit.

Over the past few weeks there have been a number of reported cases of slander and attacks amongst Asian community who’ve been the subject of this COVID-19 mess. I always think about my mom and my family who live in such a place of conservatism and hope that none of them get any flack for being who they are. The world continues to baffle me with such stupidity thinking we are a born disease.

I’ve been briefly monitoring the Church superstars and the people who are on TV. It’s very clear to me that this is a good time for gains. Most notably a good time to make sure their heir to the throne is kept tight after everything blows over. I can’t blame them though. They need this in order to validate their worth. Because without their heir they truly have nothing.

With all this going on, however, it’s helped me slow down an already slowed down life. I’ve been able to look at some of the things I’ve neglected and been able to make time for the things I missed the most. Pictures have been fun to take again. Music has been exciting to write. Video games are still frustrating. But with all that I’ve kept a steady pace even when most folks are at a complete stop.

My hope is that everything changes after we get a better understanding of this virus. I still think that everyone needs to respect peoples’ space even after this is over. I’ll probably keep this mask on just to make sure that if I do end up being a carrier that I don’t give it to someone that may die from it. It’s the least I could do.



Monday, February 10, 2020

I know it's been awhile since I've done any podcasts, but the long break has me feeling a bit more focused than usual and I think that's what I needed. Definitely feeling a bit better on starting these podcasts once again on the regular.