Happy New Year after Two Months

Tuesday, March 9, 2021

Yes, I know I'm very late on this, but my priorities has directed towards work and on my recent release. I finally found the courage to release music and it's a bit weird getting some praise from friends I don't often speak to. There's been a lot of stuff happening around the house as well (we're getting the kitchen renovated) and just yeah... loads of things are just happening. I'm glad that new times are ahead, however, these changes have been giving me some thought about the relevance of this blog and whether or not I should keep the legacy.

The other day I spoke with my youngest sibling in the aspects of legacy. Knowing him and I we don't really think about legacy of things until we actually sit down and ponder what we've done for about 15 minutes. Even then we end up forgetting about it because other things take up our time that are really important. We really don't have time to keep thinking back when you got a lot ahead. I spoke with him about deleting everything and just start from scratch. He gave me some recommendations to consider and we chat and chat and chat and, again, forget about what we talked about and sort of talk about new stuff.

And right there is when it hit me. When we ended our call I started thinking about the failures I've showcased in the years. A lot of the posts did not age well. And you know... it made me realize how much growth was needed because of it. It's humbling to know that these posts have helped me become the way I am today. Though I don't write a lot these days and have seldom posted images on this blog it gave me a chance to express myself (sounds so corny) in ways I'd never been able to do publicly. It's been strange these last few years on trying to keep creating things consistently, but it's what put me out of that space.

So, space has been a primary thing in my life. Space has given me the opportunity to not resent what I love doing. I think a lot more rather than adapt and not have a plan. My mental state has also improved drastically and it's given me some peace of mind that I did not have for the longest time. Photography and music has suddenly become a thing where I need both to be in unison to make projects feel complete. It's weird. It's weird because this particular direction was what I wanted for a long time.

There was this project I did years ago titled "An Evening with the Nurse" (that title did not age well and glad I shelved it). Before presenting this project to a class I was taking I decided to write a song that would play over a slideshow. It came out okay, but the fact that I wrote something for pictures sparked up this idea that I could somehow work with. It took years to figure out, but I finally did it with this newest release. There's an intimacy towards this work that I felt encouraged to release and I'm glad that I didn't keep it shelved.

I don't know if anyone has created a soundtrack for their pictures, but I'm sure this idea isn't original. This project is a diary of thoughts and feelings I'm showing visually and sonically. And I hope that these ideas showcase those things I'm trying to convey. Maybe later on when I start working on new projects I could implement vocals into the mix. I'm no singer, but I can either figure it out or find someone to help me through it. I hate asking people to do things for me, but I think I need to start reaching out when I need it the most.

So, I guess I'll keep these posts alive for as long as I feel it's necessary. I believe in keeping an archive of what I do, because it's something that keeps me humble for as long as I live. Maybe there will be a time that I close everything down completely. I'll make that decision once I cross that bridge.

- Arthur



Thursday, December 31, 2020

As I write this post after months of not writing I've been reflecting on how weird things have been. This year I didn't commit myself to any type of yearly project I'd normally force myself to work on to keep myself "busy" or "creative". I was told years ago to always be creative. I don't think that mindset works anymore. Being creative does require you to do the work and practice practice practice, yes, of course. It helped me create new projects along the way, but those past projects just seemed so half assed realizing most of what I've done in these last 15 years have been half assed. I want my projects to have more polish. I want my projects to have more time. I don't need to rush. And I think seeing the progress of how many of these photographers I follow have that issue.

At the beginning of the year I told myself I'd slow down and realize some of my thoughts and feelings before working on anything creative. I didn't know that the world would do the same realizing their own efforts be put on hold. Many of us had to readjust normalalities to a temporary normal. Those limitations insisting on folks to stay home, but go out if need be. Mostly respected, but also rebelled. You have to wear a mask wherever you go. Cleaning protocols have been taken serious for the very first time. Take out delivery always the best option. Go to work, but stay home if you really do feel like shit and then take a test to make sure you don't really have the shit. We thought that working while slightly sick was acceptable. It isn't anymore. Take care of yourself or else you won't work. Kinda sucks huh? I've done my best to abide by the loose rules we need to work around this crazy mess. And when you give certain groups of people rules they tend to make excuses as to why they shouldn't. I've never seen so much stupid in my life. I thought I was stupid, but man some of these folks really have no idea or don't care to have one.

I haven't seen much of anyone this year other than my girlfriend and her family and the people I work with for months. It's certainly a test. Something I'm not very good at. However, I've come to realize the luck I've acquired during these crazy times and how my loved ones have all survived this crazy mess. I connect with my family on Zoom. Folks that I've looked up to give me the time of day to talk online. Friendships have gotten tighter. Toxic folks still kept away. I'm fucking lucky.

I'm not sure what else to say because not a lot has happened for me. But for the few things that happened they became very important to how I would look forward to 2021.

1. I live in a house again

For the last few years I've lived in an apartment of some kind. Earlier this year we were given the opportunity to live in a house. It's been a long time living in a bigger space. Probably the last time I lived in a house was with someone who couldn't afford it. Little by little we've made some adjustments to the house (IE her dad fixing shit) and had added our flair to what we wanted it to look like. It felt like home after a month of buying and adjusting the place to our needs. The home still needs work, but it feels like home.
2. Casually creative. Seeing and listening rather than playing and capturing
I've been consuming rather than showing much work this year. I've only written two songs and casually photographed my experiences here and there. I never realized the burnout I endured until 2020 landed. I couldn't really pick up a camera or write a song. Fifteen years is a long time to feel like you've done minimal, but it's given me something to really think about. I took a year off not knowing I took a year off.
3. Joshua Jorgensen
I recently got connected with a friend I grew up with in my adolescent years. We were huge on playing fighting games growing up and had connected closely with that. I've never had someone like him be so passionate about it. We had a falling out years ago, but somehow found ourselves speaking again and sort of ironing out some things I had questions about. Probably one of the things I wanted to talk about with him is all the shitty things I've done to our friendship. That's something I'll never forget. And Josh if you're reading this... I'm sorry for being unreliable.
4. I actually took time to realize a bit of my mental health
Some of you that know that me casually reads my blog know of my depressive history. As I reflect on these times I've been trying my best to understand my depressive moods in a "working on it" approach. I'm certainly stable, but do tend to dive deep on these thoughts that cripple my willingness to do anything. I've learned that I just need to go through it. I'm sober and hope to continue to be sober or the amount of time I exist. And to be present on the goods and bads are what helps me realize my human mistakes. I'm not perfect. And I don't know how to be. I'm just what I can be.

I want to leave 2020 behind, but I want to embrace what challenges we had to face upon being present in this forsaken year. Bringing what I know from this year to 2021 should help me solve some things I may need to face in the months to come. I'm sure I'll be a bit more creative this time, but damn the year really got me fucked up. I had to reflect and listen and understand and support and honor the folks who really did it this year. Make no mistakes I'm hoping to work more.

Thank you all for being there for me. Especially this year when us asian folk got the brunt of something we never really did. love, Arthur



Sunday, September 20, 2020

It's been such a long time since I've written anything these last few months. Things have been changing quite quickly and frequently, but are changes that may have helped me realize how much progress has been made mentally. I've not had any aspirations to write due to the fact that writing was a way to release a lot of my resentment towards my previous life. I started reading some of the older posts during those times and had no idea how bad my mental condition was. Most of the time I was broke and unable to do much. I had to be around a person who's needs always needed to be met. Of course, I couldn't tend to those needs because most of the time I seemed to not do enough.

I reflect a lot about what had happened to me compared to what I've been doing in this current relationship. A huge shift to what I had to what I have now. It's like I had entered a different universe. I actually have a savings, I'm able to be creative, I'm okay to let my sadness get to me, and I'm eating more vegetables because my lover is Chinese. But when I do reflect on my past life I realize that I didn't have much of an identity. My goal was to support someone else's success and leave behind my dreams. They ended up dying in a box

But now... so many things are different. I'm not forced to do certain things out of my will and am allowed to hang out with certain people without any kind of strange restrictions. Though I don't really have anyone to hang out with here in Connecticut I usually just stay home and try to be busy creating things for future projects. I'm not sure how far I'll get with what I've been doing as of late, but it'll take some time to figure out I'll tell you that much.

I have a new cat, I live in a house, I'm always full, I still need to work out, I need to find another job, I still take loads of pictures, I'm playing a lot of bass, and I just don't really give a shit about most things anymore. I've learned that I've become a bit more introverted over the years and have kept certain people out of life just to make sure that I'm not plagued with nonsense. I don't really talk to a lot of people anymore and I'm not that open. I love my life right now, but I still have those depressive episodes of not feeling good enough. It's a thing that I think I need to remind myself that I'm sober and I have a lot of things I need to work on mentally. Lots of people don't realize how important this is to me... yeah.. depression. It's what I've dealt with my whole life. But i see it as something more that's just apart of me. I see it more as awareness that not everything is alright.

I still have a lot of work to do. But until then I think I'll be doing my best to feel okay for at least 15 minutes a day. It's progress, but a long one that I don't really want to deal with. Oh well.. look at my cat.