I Remember the Feeling of What It Felt Like to Feel This Way

Monday, October 3, 2022




I decided to post this release without any kind of promo being that my unexpected nature of things is ever so continuing. I'm not good at PR, but I'm good at writing and photographing my feelings. That's the best I can do to be honest. This is a comfort for me. I'm not sure who's watching or listening, but I just don't post a lot of photo work these days. I don't know if it's just tiring to try and showcase stuff that doesn't matter to anyone, but yeah I keep it low key. I'm not out here doing crazy work like most people are.

"I Remember the Feeling of What It Felt Like to Feel This Way" is a two song record that focused on a time of my declining mental health being a the forefront of what would be normal everday feeling and experience for so many years. The fact that I was in a relationship with much stress with a nonstop experience of self loathing. I was alone, broke & at a demise quickly. I needed to break out of those feelings. And for that I was able to years later after this image was taken.

I hope you guys like this one. I may have some releases out in the next few months, but we'll see. if anything I hope you like these songs and hope you continue to follow what I do.


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Thirty - Seven

Thursday, September 29, 2022



Soo.. this is thirty-seven. Sort of weird because in a sense I feel like it and don't feel like it. It's funny because I almost forgot that I'm turning this age lol. Perhaps the presence of such a number is manifesting itself slowly. I think 2022 has solidified my old man status that I'm begging myself not to submit to. I'd like to think I'll be young forever, but I'm definitely getting slower. I just know it. I have to be strategic about everything I do. I have to use my time wisely. My comprehension levels can deplane a bit. What the fuck is even happening?

But things have been changing mentally and physically. I'm not saying that I have all these crazy ailments, but I do know that I have limits. I think it's okay though. I think that being this way tells me that I need to keep steady pace rather than trying to go full throttle on everything. I used to think it was okay to just burn out and then try to start over. Everything has a limit and I've just about had it with trying to go full throttle on certain things that I don't care about. Even with projects I have to ensure that I'm giving some of the process to breathe. It's a great way to establish boundaries.

I thought I had all this sentimental shit I wanted to write, but I guess I don't. Things are good. I can't stress enough how good they are. I have the priviledge of doing what I want. Not many have that. And I know earlier I had written a pretty depressing post about my faigue, but I think now I'm going to be alright. Just needed some of that validation that's all.




Thank you all who continue to view this site. I might be going off the socials for a while to adjust some meanings of what I do as an artist here. And maybe talking about my work in a location that doesn't require the use of ads might be a better suit for me.

-(_ab)

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Fatigue

Tuesday, September 27, 2022

Or better yet aka "the act of 'I feel like crying and I don't know why'" phase that I seem to be diving in every September. Of course, me being an emotional person it make sense to feel these things with the conditions of weather changing. That nostalgic melancholy that I'm prone to enter as it cuffs me to the ankle, wrist and knees. I hate it. Hate it hate it hate it. And I let it get to me every damn time. And it something that somehow spawned as an adolescent when I used to walk to school in foggy weather at a young age when no one was around during colder months. Tapped into feelings I never had at such a young age I look back and deem it being a bit silly lol. Of course, not many people at a young age have these types of feelings (or rather was comfortable at displaying such a thing). That "don't be a bitch and be a man" syndrome are of what we were supposed to be modeled for future generations. I'm just glad I'm a different breed of soft.

So... nostalgia.. we meet again huh? What a way to come back in the most appropriate and inappriate time for me hahaha. Having to reflect on what I've done all these months before the year ends. Having to reflect on the fact that I'm still trying to make amends with my issues mentally. Reflect that I'm lucky I can spend $45 on a "meh" meal. There hasn't been a day where I can relax some of these thoughts ever so creepin' in me brains. But it keeps me somewhat human I guess. And to be honest there's moments like now where I am typing this that the invitation may be a bit abrupt, but it almost gives me the "well regardless I'm glad you're here even though you didn't text me.."

This week has been challenging for me mentally. Physically has been surprisingly neutral, but my mind hasn't been focused as sharply as I would've liked it to be. My job has been a constant shit show of unnecessary events and I happen to be slowly just letting my vibe stay at the lobby before I can pack it up and drive home. Even coworkers have seen the transition of my aura start to fade and its bothering me. But what do you expect right? Businesses in such positions expects you to be flexible for someone else's gains. Not to say that the idea of customer support in an emergency sense should be swayed, but you may want to think about the workers that help deploy these initiatives every once-in-a-while.

*relief sigh* It felt good to write that actually. I hate to complain, but I wish I've gotten more respect towards what I do as a worker ya know? Not just pat me in the back and tell me "good job. Go work on this" sort of bullshit. Though those realities exist in many businesses I don't think I've gotten so much lame thank you's than this job. Quite the thing right? And to think the other day was my 9th anniversary working my position. "You should just quit" is a valid answer for my ever growing somber walks of parking next to a building I loathe, but you can't just simply quit when you have someone else who depends on you or certain things. It's also irresponsible to just drop everything and find another job.

My time will come I suppose. Making those money moves.... money moves....m o n e y m o v e s. . . . I could at least sound more enthusiastic about these matters, but as of right now I'm heading to that nihilistic brains. Everything sort of sucks on the job department right now. With everything else? It's been pretty good.

Recording music
Taking Pictures
Editing a bit
Clientele
Journaling


What's interesting is the fact that I've been proactive about a lot of this stuff as of late. More so than I think I ever had. That groove is certainly something that I've been riding for the good of the year. If I could keep this up then maybe I can get more things released for everyone to check out.

Alright I'm done here.... I'll be back shortly. This blogging thing is still making me feel stoked and I'm happy I'm giving more attention to it.

- (_ab)

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