Sunday, September 20, 2020

It's been such a long time since I've written anything these last few months. Things have been changing quite quickly and frequently, but are changes that may have helped me realize how much progress has been made mentally. I've not had any aspirations to write due to the fact that writing was a way to release a lot of my resentment towards my previous life. I started reading some of the older posts during those times and had no idea how bad my mental condition was. Most of the time I was broke and unable to do much. I had to be around a person who's needs always needed to be met. Of course, I couldn't tend to those needs because most of the time I seemed to not do enough.

I reflect a lot about what had happened to me compared to what I've been doing in this current relationship. A huge shift to what I had to what I have now. It's like I had entered a different universe. I actually have a savings, I'm able to be creative, I'm okay to let my sadness get to me, and I'm eating more vegetables because my lover is Chinese. But when I do reflect on my past life I realize that I didn't have much of an identity. My goal was to support someone else's success and leave behind my dreams. They ended up dying in a box

But now... so many things are different. I'm not forced to do certain things out of my will and am allowed to hang out with certain people without any kind of strange restrictions. Though I don't really have anyone to hang out with here in Connecticut I usually just stay home and try to be busy creating things for future projects. I'm not sure how far I'll get with what I've been doing as of late, but it'll take some time to figure out I'll tell you that much.

I have a new cat, I live in a house, I'm always full, I still need to work out, I need to find another job, I still take loads of pictures, I'm playing a lot of bass, and I just don't really give a shit about most things anymore. I've learned that I've become a bit more introverted over the years and have kept certain people out of life just to make sure that I'm not plagued with nonsense. I don't really talk to a lot of people anymore and I'm not that open. I love my life right now, but I still have those depressive episodes of not feeling good enough. It's a thing that I think I need to remind myself that I'm sober and I have a lot of things I need to work on mentally. Lots of people don't realize how important this is to me... yeah.. depression. It's what I've dealt with my whole life. But i see it as something more that's just apart of me. I see it more as awareness that not everything is alright.

I still have a lot of work to do. But until then I think I'll be doing my best to feel okay for at least 15 minutes a day. It's progress, but a long one that I don't really want to deal with. Oh well.. look at my cat.