Thirty - Seven

Thursday, September 29, 2022

Soo.. this is thirty-seven. Sort of weird because in a sense I feel like it and don't feel like it. It's funny because I almost forgot that I'm turning this age lol. Perhaps the presence of such a number is manifesting itself slowly. I think 2022 has solidified my old man status that I'm begging myself not to submit to. I'd like to think I'll be young forever, but I'm definitely getting slower. I just know it. I have to be strategic about everything I do. I have to use my time wisely. My comprehension levels can deplane a bit. What the fuck is even happening?

But things have been changing mentally and physically. I'm not saying that I have all these crazy ailments, but I do know that I have limits. I think it's okay though. I think that being this way tells me that I need to keep steady pace rather than trying to go full throttle on everything. I used to think it was okay to just burn out and then try to start over. Everything has a limit and I've just about had it with trying to go full throttle on certain things that I don't care about. Even with projects I have to ensure that I'm giving some of the process to breathe. It's a great way to establish boundaries.

I thought I had all this sentimental shit I wanted to write, but I guess I don't. Things are good. I can't stress enough how good they are. I have the priviledge of doing what I want. Not many have that. And I know earlier I had written a pretty depressing post about my faigue, but I think now I'm going to be alright. Just needed some of that validation that's all.

Thank you all who continue to view this site. I might be going off the socials for a while to adjust some meanings of what I do as an artist here. And maybe talking about my work in a location that doesn't require the use of ads might be a better suit for me.




Tuesday, September 27, 2022

Or better yet aka "the act of 'I feel like crying and I don't know why'" phase that I seem to be diving in every September. Of course, me being an emotional person it make sense to feel these things with the conditions of weather changing. That nostalgic melancholy that I'm prone to enter as it cuffs me to the ankle, wrist and knees. I hate it. Hate it hate it hate it. And I let it get to me every damn time. And it something that somehow spawned as an adolescent when I used to walk to school in foggy weather at a young age when no one was around during colder months. Tapped into feelings I never had at such a young age I look back and deem it being a bit silly lol. Of course, not many people at a young age have these types of feelings (or rather was comfortable at displaying such a thing). That "don't be a bitch and be a man" syndrome are of what we were supposed to be modeled for future generations. I'm just glad I'm a different breed of soft.

So... nostalgia.. we meet again huh? What a way to come back in the most appropriate and inappriate time for me hahaha. Having to reflect on what I've done all these months before the year ends. Having to reflect on the fact that I'm still trying to make amends with my issues mentally. Reflect that I'm lucky I can spend $45 on a "meh" meal. There hasn't been a day where I can relax some of these thoughts ever so creepin' in me brains. But it keeps me somewhat human I guess. And to be honest there's moments like now where I am typing this that the invitation may be a bit abrupt, but it almost gives me the "well regardless I'm glad you're here even though you didn't text me.."

This week has been challenging for me mentally. Physically has been surprisingly neutral, but my mind hasn't been focused as sharply as I would've liked it to be. My job has been a constant shit show of unnecessary events and I happen to be slowly just letting my vibe stay at the lobby before I can pack it up and drive home. Even coworkers have seen the transition of my aura start to fade and its bothering me. But what do you expect right? Businesses in such positions expects you to be flexible for someone else's gains. Not to say that the idea of customer support in an emergency sense should be swayed, but you may want to think about the workers that help deploy these initiatives every once-in-a-while.

*relief sigh* It felt good to write that actually. I hate to complain, but I wish I've gotten more respect towards what I do as a worker ya know? Not just pat me in the back and tell me "good job. Go work on this" sort of bullshit. Though those realities exist in many businesses I don't think I've gotten so much lame thank you's than this job. Quite the thing right? And to think the other day was my 9th anniversary working my position. "You should just quit" is a valid answer for my ever growing somber walks of parking next to a building I loathe, but you can't just simply quit when you have someone else who depends on you or certain things. It's also irresponsible to just drop everything and find another job.

My time will come I suppose. Making those money moves.... money moves....m o n e y m o v e s. . . . I could at least sound more enthusiastic about these matters, but as of right now I'm heading to that nihilistic brains. Everything sort of sucks on the job department right now. With everything else? It's been pretty good.

Recording music
Taking Pictures
Editing a bit

What's interesting is the fact that I've been proactive about a lot of this stuff as of late. More so than I think I ever had. That groove is certainly something that I've been riding for the good of the year. If I could keep this up then maybe I can get more things released for everyone to check out.

Alright I'm done here.... I'll be back shortly. This blogging thing is still making me feel stoked and I'm happy I'm giving more attention to it.

- (_ab)


Lately and Fall Comes Around

Tuesday, September 6, 2022

Dinner with Jen

To be honest there hasn't been much going on other than me trying to sort out thoughts of things that may or may not matter. I'm constantly trying to get creative work done and prepping it for the next year. And next year I'm trying to complete and prep work for the year after and so on. It's been a constant for me given the majority of what I've done as an artist was just grind, create, complete and restart. I'm not necessarily making any crazy moves or anything, but I'm just happy to know that I'm able to actually get stuff done in a timely matter.

So, the 15 minutes thing to make pictures or write drums on my laptop either in the morning or during lunch time has been working quite a bit. 15 - 30 minutes is mostly what I need. It's such a slow pace, but I have no deadlines so what's the rush? And the weekends are usually the days I get to deploy the creative and figure out if all that time I spent during those days was worth writing/photographing this stupid thing lol.

Of course being cynical and obnoxious about these points at least I'm giving some sort of effort to see my 50/50 chances of failure or success. And I think I just don't give a shit anymore. Like... I've been very much "free" about how I compose and how I release work these days. And to be writing and photographing constantly (with scanning and maybe a bit of editing in the process) it's been fun again just to see things develop before your eyes. I take it serious, but I don't take it serious... does that make any sense?

You know.... I think artists and people in general (at least in this age of social media) take themselves too seriously. Asking for follows, hoping to see how many likes they receive on posts and judgeing profiles as status... I mean my gawd man has things gotten this shallow or have I just grown old to not care? Better yet am I just out of touch? I think about this stuff a lot and the ever changing landscape of things. I just don't get it. And more so I've also been thinking about leaving social media personal profiles and just do the artist thing and post stuff when I'm promoting or whatever. Even then it's getting kinda outta control.

I've begun to take interest of blogging more again. Posting images here and just giving myself more time to write and think about how I make work to feel like there's some sort of depth behind what I've been creating. And to think that I'd almost left this place behind.... It's becoming more attractive everyday to me. I don't know why.

Maybe it's because I have something to say again. Over the last few years (especially pandemic) things really started to change perspective wise. The things I thought mattered didn't really matter anymore and the issues that I had not faced internally had come full frontal with no apologies of its presence and with no notification of when it will come over to beat the shit out of me.

So this is it... the Summer is winding down, kids are going back to school, traffic is building up & sweaters are being worn. I'm anticipating a bit more movement in production so you should expect more work to be deployed. I hope I can keep my promise as a blogger to post more and talk about things that have been happening with me. I don't think I can do social media heavy anymore. It's just too much for me.

...Have good one everyone...