My Nanay Finally Left

Friday, August 25, 2023

As I'm watching a live broadcast of my Nanay's Vigil on Facebook I'm sitting in the porch tired, caffeinated & melancholy from the whole week realizing that she's gone. A couple of days ago I spoke with my sister regarding the guilt I felt and she pretty much summed up the fact that the framing of this experience resembled what we had dealt with when our father passed away.

My Nanay helped raise a bunch of spoiled kids growing up. Cooked, cleaned and even made sure we were all okay before and after school. She use to knit stuff for the house we were renting for a good amount of years before we would live in a coldesac. And before that move we'd see my Nanay out of the house as she got married. We'd see Nanay here and there, but eventually myself and my siblings would move out one by one. At one point she would be living alone. A friend found her having a stroke in her home. From there it sort of went downhill.

I don't want to go into more detail about these things because I'm just not good at it. She passed away in her sleep earlier this week. I was able to talk to her and say I'm sorry and say I love her weeks before she left her body. And by that time I kinda knew she'd be leaving us soon.

Sorry Nanay I wasn't there for you when you needed it the most. Life is a lot and especially when you're still trying to figure it out. Love you. Sweet dreams and watch me up there when I make stupid decisions.

- Arthur