Friday, April 13, 2018

This week was a struggle to get through. I'm not sure what it is, but since the weather has been getting warmer I'm finding myself reflecting a lot. I'm sure that my depression is a result of that and I'm sure being alone intensifies it. Not to say that I haven't been happy. No. That's not the case. I think it's me realizing how different life is now. The fact that I only have a few commitments and am able to afford stuff.

You know, watching those Vlogs I did last year really gave me some perspective as to what I was dealing with. Most of the time I was alone finding my own adventures with the little money I had in my pocket. I saw bands by myself, art exhibits, went on photo runs, and even drank coffee by myself. With the partner I'm with now adventures are much better.

Though reflecting on those past experiences I was alone. And really I was alone for a long time. I have lost connections with some important friends and had even lost connections with my family at a point. I mean fuck dude just two weeks ago I spoke with my oldest brother and it was a year prior to that I hadn't heard from him. I'm now thankful that my brother Eldon has had more contact with me than the rest of the siblings, but Jesus Christ where was I all these years?

I'm so used to loneliness. I could remember a time in elementary school that I would walk at 6:00 am in the morning by myself to school and sit at the blacktop playground benches near the basketball hoops and stare at nothing. I was alone and it was something that I longed for. I'm not sure if that's the case now, but man... I really did deal with a lot of things alone.